Sometimes marriage really sucks.

It's like the best demonstration of dying to self like Christ, short of having kids. Which used to make me think of things like 'break me, Lord,' and 'falling brings me to my knees' and a 'full life, full of joy and pain' and 'down in the trenches love.' Very The Notebook, you know.

But the reality is, Christ loves through us leaving. our hanging up on Him if you will. our calling Him names. our thinking we're loving Him and actually we're hurting Him. Our loving only the part of Him we like. Our questioning every part of His personality and being, and still never really figuring Him out. Our being the only person He really wants and the only person who never really gives fully because we just don't know how. And even when we know how, we don't want to. Our not trusting even after we promised. And not comprimising even post-vow.

So really, marriage really sucks.

But so do we, and Jesus still doesn't give us up.

I just wish that there was some answer where I created less pain, and where I took less pain. Let's not lie, part of my pain is really in giving up being selfish. A big part. I mean, that whole rant above makes it sound like I'm really mad at Matt, but I'm not, I'm mad at marraige. Most of those things are my deal, are things I do and I'm doing. Like, I was the one to hang up; I'm always the one to hang up.

And a big part is getting rid of the this-is-the-only-person-who-understands-me-and-I-theoretically-know-he'll-let-me-down-cuz-he's-human-but-I-just-can't-see-it-happening-in-any-major-way  thought that is bred in wedding cards and defending yourselves against the advice-givers and nay-sayers that attatck engagement and newly wed-dom.

It really makes me long for heaven, when things will finally be consistent. I just want to be able to offer consistency, to be a stable person and to have a stable marraige and that's just not life, from either of us or in any capacity. Stability is really only in Christ, and I just need to stop trying to find consistency on Earth. But it's like when you're over xyz guy and you just want to be content where you are, yeah that's what you need, and you just can't talk your heart into following along. I just can't figure out how to stop trying to put my marraige in the place of God. I want to be God in my marraige, and I want my husband to be my god. gross.

All this analyzing my reality is confusing.

Is fun. I like it.

That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm officially a Mrs. and it's pretty sweet.

Now, I'm not going to lie...... I definately had a significant meltdown in Matt's arms the other day after attending a friend's wedding, because newlywed actually means married with tons of excitement and yet half the maturity you will have later in life, so it's pretty difficult to navigate. Like, we spend a lot of time explaining what we're doing, because of all the "well that's just the way everyone does that, right?.... well, I mean, that's what I was raised doing..." things. Not to mention finances, insurance, thank you notes, unpacking,....

oh the unpacking....

I wasn't actually moved in before the wedding. In fact, my stuff was just in random heaps where I had a quick 30 minutes to "take a run" and dropped my crap off. That plus wedding presents equals giant mess, but one I am contending with quite nicely in the present, I must say. It has just been a bit harrowing to get used to being married while doing the extra laundry etc from the honeymoon, while unpacking.

But seriously, while those are the little black clouds over my head, they're actually miniscule grey clouds, you know? Because I'm finally here, we're finally here, and it's wonderful and I'm wonderfully blessed. I have an amazing Savior who knows me not just by name but by the groanings of my heart, don't worry abou my home or food or health or the earnesty of my family, and I have a love that some people don't find until their second marraige, or until their kids move out shen they're 45, or whatever. So right now I wake and sleep in peace, confident in the love of my God and the love of my husband.

How wonderful.